Whenever You're Ready

its been about a year since i first started tumbling. which means its been about a year since the worst summer of life, and a year since other things ended. its strange to compare life now to then, and i definitely feel very notdepressed and more stable. but is stability really what i want right now? maybe im just getting nostalgic about things, i dont really know. maybe i feel guilt, i really dont know. regardless of anything, i do think i am better off now than a year ago (thnx Leslie Knope). i’m happier with myself, and i feel like i’m not living under all the false impressions i was last year. things have definitely changed, some of which i don’t like, but i like myself more now and i am more aware of what i want. i hate thinking about how i felt last summer and i’m really afraid that its gonna be hell2.0 this summer. i think if i go into it with that possibility being realistically the only possibility of how this summer will play out, it will be easier to deal with. 

:(((((((((

seeing one of my best friends and my favorite band (after Bright Eyes obvi) IN LIKE TEN HOURS!!!!HJHDI@(U#@!@!!!!!!!!

a girl from my high school died thursday night. i found on saturday morning on the way to this mun thing. it hit me a lot harder than i thought it would, and its still hurting. we were never really good friends. we had a mutual friend growing up so i have some memories of us when we were younger. she did track with me in high school. we were on mock trial together, too. but i almost feel bad for feeling as sad/strange as i do about it. i am not feeling a fraction of what her close friends and boyfriend and family are feeling, and i dont deserve the sympathy or regrets about the situation that they do. or at least thats how i feel. i’ve just never had anyone this close to me die before. i saw her all the time for years and years, and now i will never see her again. i doubt i would have seen her that many times anyway, since we didn’t hang with that same people often, but still. the last time i distinctly remember seeing her was on the bike path by turnpike. i was running back home and her and brett were on a walk. my heart crumbles when i think about him. or about her family and close friends. its one thing when someone dies after battling a long term illness, or even short term; its different when you have some sort of awareness that death may come soon. but for it to be on a random Thursday night from one fatal car swerve…

it’s scary. it really fucking scares me that death is literally this unpredictable and swift. i am struggling wrapping my head around the fact that she is not here anymore. she is not a Being anymore. her life is forever frozen as a sophomore in college. i didn’t know her well but i knew her well enough to know that she was incredibly loved by everyone in her life. 

i feel like im in an awkward spot. I feel so disconnected yet fundamentally tied to what happened. like i said before, sometimes i feel guilty for being so upset by it. yesterday at the caf i told a friend and he kept apologizing to me. i wanted to tell him to stop. i almost feel like its disrespectful to her family and the people closer connected to be given the sympathy they deserve. i just cant stop thinking about it. and when i think about it i start crying. its a tedious cycle. i just hope she didn’t feel any pain. i just hope she knew she was loved. i hope she knew how funny and beautiful and unique she was. i didn’t know her well but i knew that. for a fact. 

rest in peace Alanna 

somehow i ripped one of my favorite dresses i’ve ever had/will ever have 

why do all of my favorite clothes get ripped//lost//stolen//thrown away by my mother??

: my fourth biggest regret 

and also a less severe identity crisis.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i finally got proof!! instead of internally freaking out, im gonna go IheartHuckabees on the world and get help… via writing here. i dont have time to fully indulge the tumblr world on all my thoughts at the moment, but soon i’ll start writing and hopefully move past all this stuff that’s going on. 

i don’t understand it was so perfect six episodes ago and now all the story lines are disconnected and all the acting is unbelievable and everything is just a mess

whyyyywhwhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwhhwywhwwywy

wut

and how unsure of they are of things.

ITS FREAKING ME OUT